Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

bkuehn1952.2
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Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by bkuehn1952.2 »

Not David's best but a few are gems:

David Feherty Quotes:

On his caddie, Rodney Wooler, and him being on the same page: “Not only was Rodney never on the same page as me, he was seldom in the same book and often not even in the same library.”

On quitting drinking: “I didn’t quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it’s not even a challenge anymore.”

On an errant shot: “That ball is so far left Lassie couldn’t find it even if it was wrapped in bacon.”

On a beautiful day of weather: “The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf in it.”

On golf: “One minute you’re bleeding. The next minute you’re hemorrhaging. The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa.”

On watching Tiger Woods hit a great shot: “Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.”

On Jim Furyk’s swing: “It looks like a one-armed man trying to wrestle a snake in a phone booth.”

Again, on Furyk’s swing: “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

On dancing: “I don’t dance. The Irish don’t dance, we hold each other up."
bkuehn1952.2
Posts: 108
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by bkuehn1952.2 »

Things You Would Never Know If You Didn’t Have bkuehn1952.2 Dispensing This Wisdom

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewables.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel which occurs five times: indivisibility.

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100 of a second.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

More than 50% of people in the world have never made or received a phone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
GBOGEY
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Joined: Wed Jul 19, 2023 5:32 am

Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by GBOGEY »

bkuehn1952.2 wrote: Fri Aug 04, 2023 12:04 pm Things You Would Never Know If You Didn’t Have bkuehn1952.2 Dispensing This Wisdom

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.

Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.
One I remember from reading as a child - there's only one English word with three consecutive double letters: Bookkeeper.

I assume the same is true with alligators? Wondering if there's a better way to deal with them around here.
bkuehn1952.2
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by bkuehn1952.2 »

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.

They say that it’s also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity on the courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain remains of nuts, berries and possibly squirrel, rabbit or gopher fur. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”
Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?”
John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently you can’t get out of here with a seven.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf ever, so he decided to rush in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.
Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife, massive guilt struck him, so he rushed to the hospital.

When he finally arrived, he rushed up to the doctor, who was standing impatiently in the corridor, and asked about his wife’s condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round didn’t you?”
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had.

“Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself mister, because while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU and fighting for her life! The doctor paused, “Well, I guess that it’s just as well that you went ahead and finished your round, because more than likely it will be the last one you’ll ever play.”
“Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked.
“Because for the rest of your wife’ life she will require ’round the clock care. She won’t be able to eat, move or speak. Furthermore, she won’t be able to control her bladder or bowel movements, so you sir will have to be her 24/7 caregiver for the next 30-years!”
The man was beside himself with guilt and grief, so he totally broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.
The doctor looked at the devastated man, and his scowl turned into a sly grin.
“Hey, chill out dude,” the doctor chuckled. “I’m just screwing with you. She died three hours ago. So what did you shoot?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.”
bkuehn1952.2
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by bkuehn1952.2 »

These are really bad but than again, most puns and the like are really bad.

1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know that I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost! "

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
GBOGEY
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by GBOGEY »

Always enjoy these BK.

One I heard today- “do you know how to spell “Armageddon?” If not, no worries, it’s not the end of the world.
legitimatebeef
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by legitimatebeef »

I stole this from reddit because I thought it would fit in here.

A man is pulled over by the police around 2 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer scoffs. "Really? Who the hell is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?"

"That would be my wife."
bkuehn1952.2
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by bkuehn1952.2 »

This is not my fault. I am just the editor. I eliminated the truly awful ones.

Ponderisms:

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, how about eggs? (or for that matter, lobster, clams, crayfish)

14. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19. Can you cry under water?
bkuehn1952.2
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by bkuehn1952.2 »

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING. I JUST CUT AND PASTE.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

“Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.” —Victor Borge

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”
“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”
—Joseph Lozanoff

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
—The Link

Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.
“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”
—The American Weekly

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Did you hear the one about…
…the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?
…the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
…the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
Source: Reader's Digest

“A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a Cat die and go to Heaven. All three are greeted at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who informs them they have to meet God. So off they go. A few minutes later, they enter the place where God is sitting, and he asks them to come near. He says, “I want to know what you believe in and how pure and true your heart and soul are.”
The German Shepherd says, “I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master.” “Good,” says God. “Sit down here next to me.”
The Doberman answers, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.” “Excellent – you may sit here, too.”
Then He looks at the Cat and asks, “And what do you believe in, Cat?” The Cat rolls his eyes and says, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair!”
GBOGEY
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Re: Sort of Humorous - Parte Seconda

Post by GBOGEY »

Saw this in FB:

Taylor Swift has hundreds of songs about guys leaving her but none about her buying them golf clubs. Coincidence? I think not.
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