Sort of Humorous

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bkuehn1952
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Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Mon Apr 25, 2016 3:12 pm

Sort of humorous...


COMMITTEE: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Sun Jan 08, 2017 8:35 am

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy. :o
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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Sun Jan 08, 2017 8:36 am

I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Sun Jan 08, 2017 8:36 am

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by legitimatebeef » Sun Jan 08, 2017 10:45 am

bkuehn1952 wrote:You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
That is quietly one of the most cynical remarks I have ever heard. :notgood
Build a bridge and get over it.

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by DougE » Sat Jan 14, 2017 10:15 am

bkuehn1952 wrote:Sort of humorous...


COMMITTEE: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
To add a few more, but along the lines of Beef's previously mentioned "unpresidented":

COFFEE (n.): the person upon whom one coughs

FLABBERGASTED (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained

ESPLANADE (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk (my favorite :rofl )

BALDERDASH (n.): a rapidly receding hairline

WILLY-NILLY (adj.): impotent

LYMPH (v.): to walk with a lisp

POKEMAN (n.): a Rastafarian proctologist :o

CIRCUMVENT (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men


Credit: The Washington Post

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by gpickin » Sat Jan 14, 2017 10:22 am

Those are bad, but great.

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Sat Apr 29, 2017 8:49 am

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I am not fat, I'm just... easier to see.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks !

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bryan k » Mon May 01, 2017 11:00 pm

Dude...I can get a free meal on my birthday at Denny's?

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 12:22 pm

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
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GHIN Handicap: 7.8 … 9.2 … Let’s just say I am around a 14!

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:45 am

• Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but
they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
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GHIN Handicap: 7.8 … 9.2 … Let’s just say I am around a 14!

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Tue Oct 31, 2017 5:13 pm

I wondered why the golf ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by jfurr » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:40 pm

bkuehn1952 wrote:I wondered why the golf ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
mega
I'm gonna hit a provisional
HCP Index :facepalm

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Sun May 20, 2018 7:36 am

If you can smile when things go wrong you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice. I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years then we met.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Women sometimes make fools of men but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today but I couldn't find it.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy other times I let her sleep.
Let's Play 36
GHIN Handicap: 7.8 … 9.2 … Let’s just say I am around a 14!

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by legitimatebeef » Sun May 20, 2018 11:34 am

I'm actually ok with this "sort of humor" because it reminds me of my grandpa, a tireless joke-email forwarder in his heyday.
Build a bridge and get over it.

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by Duke of Hazards » Tue May 22, 2018 4:54 pm

Bluto did it

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by DougE » Tue May 22, 2018 7:38 pm

Kid has some lag too. Ouch!

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Re: Sort of Humorous

Post by bkuehn1952 » Fri Nov 09, 2018 1:37 pm

Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
    You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
      If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
        The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
          If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.
            Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
              When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
                If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
                  When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
                    You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
                      You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes without getting sued for harassment.
                        There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
                          If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
                            Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
                              Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
                                You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
                                  Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”
                                  Let's Play 36
                                  GHIN Handicap: 7.8 … 9.2 … Let’s just say I am around a 14!

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                                  Re: Sort of Humorous

                                  Post by bkuehn1952 » Fri Nov 16, 2018 1:32 pm

                                  Best of Minzey’s Musings (Note: The comments are Professor Minzey's, not mine)
                                  =================================================================================
                                  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
                                  (Hardly seems worth it.)

                                  If you broke wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
                                  (Now that's more like it!)

                                  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
                                  (O.M.G.!)

                                  A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
                                  (Creepy.)

                                  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
                                  (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

                                  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

                                  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
                                  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

                                  Butterflies taste with their feet.
                                  (Something I always wanted to know.)

                                  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

                                  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
                                  (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

                                  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
                                  (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

                                  A cat's urine glows under a black light.
                                  (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

                                  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
                                  (I know some people like that.)

                                  Starfish have no brains.
                                  (I know some people like that, too.)

                                  Polar bears are left-handed.
                                  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
                                  Let's Play 36
                                  GHIN Handicap: 7.8 … 9.2 … Let’s just say I am around a 14!

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                                  Re: Sort of Humorous

                                  Post by jasonfish11 » Mon Nov 19, 2018 7:09 am

                                  Love some good nerd humor.
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                                  Keep it short stupid.

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                                  Re: Sort of Humorous

                                  Post by legitimatebeef » Mon Nov 19, 2018 10:39 am

                                  I don't get it. I thought I understood normal distributions and shit, but maybe I don't. That is ok with me.
                                  Build a bridge and get over it.

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                                  Re: Sort of Humorous

                                  Post by jasonfish11 » Mon Nov 19, 2018 1:55 pm

                                  ok looking back on it, it doesn't say what I thought it did.

                                  I thought it said "Outrage at the idea that there are differences between individuals" which to me would mean that people who don't understand distributions are more likely to be outraged over variance.

                                  But even though that is how I read it, I see now it's worded differently.
                                  Keep it short stupid.

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                                  Re: Sort of Humorous

                                  Post by bkuehn1952 » Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:23 pm

                                  "Minzey" is the late Professor Minzey of Eastern Michigan University. We was a regular contributor to an online golf newsletter. Those of us who live in the snow belt can appreciate this.


                                  Best of Minzey’s Musings - I Love Snow

                                  December 11 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

                                  December 12 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

                                  December 13 - Snow lovely snow! last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.

                                  December 14 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

                                  December 15 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

                                  December 16 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room

                                  December 17 - Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

                                  December 18 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a snow plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying

                                  December 19 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

                                  December 20 - 6 inches;. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b…h who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow

                                  December 21 - Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I told him I wanted to hit him in the nose. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

                                  December 22 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

                                  December 23 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

                                  December 24 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The wife is driving me crazy!!!

                                  December 25 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

                                  December 26 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver; he is now suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his butt. The wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.

                                  December 27 - I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

                                  December 28 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
                                  Let's Play 36
                                  GHIN Handicap: 7.8 … 9.2 … Let’s just say I am around a 14!

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                                  Re: Sort of Humorous

                                  Post by bkuehn1952 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:55 pm

                                  Steven Wright


                                  All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
                                  I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

                                  OK, so what's the speed of dark?

                                  How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

                                  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

                                  Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

                                  When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

                                  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

                                  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

                                  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

                                  Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

                                  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

                                  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

                                  Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

                                  Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country..

                                  I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
                                  that are in all the other museums.

                                  What's another word for Thesaurus?

                                  You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

                                  If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

                                  I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
                                  Let's Play 36
                                  GHIN Handicap: 7.8 … 9.2 … Let’s just say I am around a 14!

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